Reflections on the Past Year

On Borat! on Daisuke! on Rumsfeld and Patrick!

December 25, 2006 (The Boston Globe)

Greetings, friends, of all persuasion,
Color, creed, denomination.
No border fences put up here
In decking halls with season's cheer.
'Tis Christmas, true, and merry to ya,
But cue a chorus of Hallelujah
For all and sundry revelers
From this old house to you and yours.
It's been six years since we began a
Habit of this year-end stanza
Jotted down amid the wrapping,
Shopping, schlepping, typing, napping
Going on nonstop around us
Up until the dawn of Christmas
When we, like you, pause to take in
The wonder of the year that's been.
As we wonder, ponder how
We staggered here from then to now
YouTubed, MySpaced, "Lost," adrift,
Sorting truth from truthiness.
Borat? Seemed legit to us.
Balco-gate? Yo, what's the fuss?
Mel G's meltdown, Kerry's gaffe,
Cruise unglued -- you had to laugh.
Pluto's out, and so is Rummy.
No one bought "O.J. for Dummies."
Al Gore's movie? Huge buzzkill.
US pop. tops three hundred mil.
Shrinking icecaps, hybrid cars,
Sinking coastlines, oxygen bars.
Note to Santa on this yule:
Convert sleigh rig to biofuel.

It's party time, though, doff your wraps,
Grab a double shot of schnapps,
And toast the swells at our soiree
Like Kinky Friedman, Rachael Ray,
Keke Palmer, Daniel Craig,
George Carlin, and Flavor Flav.
A round, too, please, for Taylor Hicks
And photog Annie Leibovitz.
Salud, Deval, here's looking at ya.
Kanpai, Daisuke Matsuzaka.
Emmitt Smith, your twinkle toes
Are brighter than old Rudolph's nose.
Bottoms up to Gloria Larson,
Eddie Murphy, Tucker Carlson ,
Helen Mirren , Audrey Tautou,
Rascal Flatts, and Djimon Hounsou.
Next for your consideration
Words of season's salutation
For Eugene Levy , Tony Snow ,
Akon , E.L. Doctorow,
Cate Blanchett, Tenacious D,
Jill Medvedow, and Stan Lee.
4Peace, let's go a-carolin'
And stop to serenade Bom Kim
Then pick up Gary LaPierre
Plus anyone left sitting there --
Parker Posey, Thomas Ricks,
Nelly Furtado, Coco Crisp --
And lead them all in getting down
With Michael Mann and Ayla Brown,
Miley Cyrus, Logan Mankins,
Snow Patrol, and Henry Jenkins.

Time's up! And time is of the essence
In unwrapping these last presents.
The deeper message here conveyed
Transcends this single holiday.
It's not the price tag, it's the thought.
Not the trappings, nor what's bought.
So, friends, until our next year's meeting:
Peace on earth and season's greetings.

JOSEPH P. KAHN

Happy New Year

Dear Friends,

It is customary, as the new year approaches, that we make resolutions as we look to the year ahead. I think it may be more instructive for us to look back at the events of our current year to recognize some things we may have done or said that do not merit repeating.

Certainly there are comments or actions that we would have liked to have taken back a moment later. Well, hopefully none of our blunders match these which are deserving of the Idiot Awards for 2006.

Happy New Year from Alice and Marvin

Idiots of 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006: I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2006: Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2006: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2006: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Five Idiot of 2006: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2006: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 2006: Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, Kansas ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: (particularly timely) My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep, From Kansas City! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Alabama ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi

Happy Chanukah

Click on Happy Chanukah for Alice and Marvin's wishes for a happy holiday e-card.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for
the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the of the generally accepted
calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped
make America great.

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other
country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere .

And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the
wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself
or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the
sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher."

Happy Chanukah,
Alice and Marvin

Math Lesson